Look at this for the worst sandwich ever.
A poem about Jamie Oliver- titled, imaginatively, “Jamie”. read in a mockney accent, obvs.

I’ve come a long way since 1998, all

Cocky, little tosser

Really quite hateful

Serving up smugness,

Piled High platefuls

 

With my moped, drum kit, braying friends – a roomful

Sliding down my banister

Slurping up a spoonful

Declaring what I’ve made to be “LOVELY” “BEAUTIFUL”

But as much as you might

Find me really quite detestable

Intolerable, vomitable,

Rich and indigestible

None of you could argue

With the recipes, and best of all

You bought the books, you cooked the stuff

You made me a success an all

 

Easy! Peasy! Bish bash bosh!

Throw it in! LOVELY! (If you’ve got the dosh)

Parmigiano croutons on your butternut squash

I’m from Essex, geezer, so I can’t be posh!

 

ME OLD MUKKA…

LOOK AT THAT, IT’S PUKKA!

 

Suddenly I’m all about the culinree filanfropee

Teach the under-privileged to flambé things in pans, for free!

Soon I’m in the schools

Getting turkey twizzlers banned, and me?

I’m a saviour-crusader, middle class Mum’s fantasy

Yeah, a National Treasure. MBE? Nice one, your majesty

 

Then I press on, sanctimonious, swelled by each new offering,

Poor people- love em! Just can’t help but bother ‘em

Soon I’m meeting single Mums, struggling in Rotherham

Who can’t boil eggs, and yeah

Some people they may scoff at ‘em

But I’ll teach ‘em cook with stuff they can’t afford when we’ve f*cked off again

 

ME OLD MUKKA,

LOOK AT ME! I’M PUKKA!

 

If I’d left it at that, it might’ve been alright yeah,

But my face fills your screens like some fat-tongued puffy nightmare

A Sainsbree’s ad, urging you to buy it, just try it yeah?

I’m whoring out my children for a Christmas show and I dare

To tell you how to live.

My ambition’s naked, like the chef; quite bare

 

My ambitions! Gor, blimey they’re far-reaching,

I suddenly decided that I knew about teaching

Fronted Jamie’s Dream School, David Starkey’s preaching

Cos teaching must be easy! Anyone can do it! Peachy!

 

And my limited interactions with the TV-fodder poor

Have convinced me I’m the one who should front a sort of war

I won’t take on those who make and sell this shitty food; the stores

The corporations, lobbyists, nah, that’d be a bore

It wouldn’t make good TV, and we all know it’s more

Satisfying and delicious to judge the poor and gawp

At the slum-scum eating chips on the living room floor

 

Cos look there! On the wall! They’ve got a massive telly!

You can’t be poor if you’ve got a massive telly!

It’s from BrightHouse? On HP? What does that mean? Sell it!

You could buy a pasta maker from my range at Jamie’s Deli!

 

ME OLD MUKKA…

GET ONE; THEY’RE PUKKA!

 

The poor, they’re just too lazy- d’you know what I mean?

They won’t work an 80 hour week at “fifteen”

I worked hard for this; they should be more like me

Or at least more like the immigrants; desperately keen

Union? Rights? Minimum wage? Haaah, in your dreams!

 

But love me or hate me, you’re stuck with me, whatever

I’m adaptable, a kitchen cockroach, I’ll survive forever

Go with the times, the zeitgeist, the weather

Under Blair

 I was cool Britannia

Things Can Only Get Better

Youthful optimism, aspiration- go-getter

But now in Tory Times

I’m something different altogether

 

Like them, I’m

A millionaire who judges blames and damns

Folks whose lives I cannot seem to possibly understand

Sneering, and spreading fear across the land

Show you’re middle class! Use some parma ham!

There’s a recipe in here, buy it!

Bish, bosh, bam.

E Jones 2013 
http://tumblr.com/missjonespoet

Look at this for the worst sandwich ever.


A poem about Jamie Oliver- titled, imaginatively, “Jamie”. read in a mockney accent, obvs.

I’ve come a long way since 1998, all

Cocky, little tosser

Really quite hateful

Serving up smugness,

Piled High platefuls

 

With my moped, drum kit, braying friends – a roomful

Sliding down my banister

Slurping up a spoonful

Declaring what I’ve made to be “LOVELY” “BEAUTIFUL”

But as much as you might

Find me really quite detestable

Intolerable, vomitable,

Rich and indigestible

None of you could argue

With the recipes, and best of all

You bought the books, you cooked the stuff

You made me a success an all

 

Easy! Peasy! Bish bash bosh!

Throw it in! LOVELY! (If you’ve got the dosh)

Parmigiano croutons on your butternut squash

I’m from Essex, geezer, so I can’t be posh!

 

ME OLD MUKKA…

LOOK AT THAT, IT’S PUKKA!

 

Suddenly I’m all about the culinree filanfropee

Teach the under-privileged to flambé things in pans, for free!

Soon I’m in the schools

Getting turkey twizzlers banned, and me?

I’m a saviour-crusader, middle class Mum’s fantasy

Yeah, a National Treasure. MBE? Nice one, your majesty

 

Then I press on, sanctimonious, swelled by each new offering,

Poor people- love em! Just can’t help but bother ‘em

Soon I’m meeting single Mums, struggling in Rotherham

Who can’t boil eggs, and yeah

Some people they may scoff at ‘em

But I’ll teach ‘em cook with stuff they can’t afford when we’ve f*cked off again

 

ME OLD MUKKA,

LOOK AT ME! I’M PUKKA!

 

If I’d left it at that, it might’ve been alright yeah,

But my face fills your screens like some fat-tongued puffy nightmare

A Sainsbree’s ad, urging you to buy it, just try it yeah?

I’m whoring out my children for a Christmas show and I dare

To tell you how to live.

My ambition’s naked, like the chef; quite bare

 

My ambitions! Gor, blimey they’re far-reaching,

I suddenly decided that I knew about teaching

Fronted Jamie’s Dream School, David Starkey’s preaching

Cos teaching must be easy! Anyone can do it! Peachy!

 

And my limited interactions with the TV-fodder poor

Have convinced me I’m the one who should front a sort of war

I won’t take on those who make and sell this shitty food; the stores

The corporations, lobbyists, nah, that’d be a bore

It wouldn’t make good TV, and we all know it’s more

Satisfying and delicious to judge the poor and gawp

At the slum-scum eating chips on the living room floor

 

Cos look there! On the wall! They’ve got a massive telly!

You can’t be poor if you’ve got a massive telly!

It’s from BrightHouse? On HP? What does that mean? Sell it!

You could buy a pasta maker from my range at Jamie’s Deli!

 

ME OLD MUKKA…

GET ONE; THEY’RE PUKKA!

 

The poor, they’re just too lazy- d’you know what I mean?

They won’t work an 80 hour week at “fifteen”

I worked hard for this; they should be more like me

Or at least more like the immigrants; desperately keen

Union? Rights? Minimum wage? Haaah, in your dreams!

 

But love me or hate me, you’re stuck with me, whatever

I’m adaptable, a kitchen cockroach, I’ll survive forever

Go with the times, the zeitgeist, the weather

Under Blair

 I was cool Britannia

Things Can Only Get Better

Youthful optimism, aspiration- go-getter

But now in Tory Times

I’m something different altogether

 

Like them, I’m

A millionaire who judges blames and damns

Folks whose lives I cannot seem to possibly understand

Sneering, and spreading fear across the land

Show you’re middle class! Use some parma ham!

There’s a recipe in here, buy it!

Bish, bosh, bam.

E Jones 2013 

http://tumblr.com/missjonespoet

This Thursday: A Very Special Bang.
The launch of the Bang Said The Gun anthology is this Thursday. With Luke Wright, Inua Ellams, Salena Godden, PolarBear, Kate Tempest, John Hegley, Rob Auton, Murray Lachlan Young, Elvis McGonagall, Tim Clare, Hollie McNish, Molly Naylor, John Osborne, Byron Vincent, Peter Hayhoe, Martin Galton and more, it’s a book chock full of the choicest cuts. This promises to be the most banging book launch, well, ever.

This Thursday: A Very Special Bang.
The launch of the Bang Said The Gun anthology is this Thursday. With Luke Wright, Inua Ellams, Salena Godden, PolarBear, Kate Tempest, John Hegley, Rob Auton, Murray Lachlan Young, Elvis McGonagall, Tim Clare, Hollie McNish, Molly Naylor, John Osborne, Byron Vincent, Peter Hayhoe, Martin Galton and more, it’s a book chock full of the choicest cuts. This promises to be the most banging book launch, well, ever.

FREE VERSE: The Poetry Book Fair

Tonight I’ll be at The Square Pig, Holborn, with the Bang Said The Gun, bringing the Poetry Book Fair to a close with a bang! The filthy and beautiful Salena Godden will be there too…

  • At Secret Garden Party 2013, Tax Deductible Theatre Tent. Just awesome. The audiences in this tent were incredible. Finished both performances on a high. Vanessa and Pete absolutely killed it too. (And Vanessa killed her voice.)
Sorry, I know my last two posts have featured lots of superlatives and excitable adjectives but this summer has been SO GOOD! Thanks to Sophie Jeanette Burton and Amy Stratton for this particular pinch of magic, glittering festi-dust.
  • At Secret Garden Party 2013, Tax Deductible Theatre Tent. Just awesome. The audiences in this tent were incredible. Finished both performances on a high. Vanessa and Pete absolutely killed it too. (And Vanessa killed her voice.)
Sorry, I know my last two posts have featured lots of superlatives and excitable adjectives but this summer has been SO GOOD! Thanks to Sophie Jeanette Burton and Amy Stratton for this particular pinch of magic, glittering festi-dust.
  • At Secret Garden Party 2013, Tax Deductible Theatre Tent. Just awesome. The audiences in this tent were incredible. Finished both performances on a high. Vanessa and Pete absolutely killed it too. (And Vanessa killed her voice.)
Sorry, I know my last two posts have featured lots of superlatives and excitable adjectives but this summer has been SO GOOD! Thanks to Sophie Jeanette Burton and Amy Stratton for this particular pinch of magic, glittering festi-dust.

At Secret Garden Party 2013, Tax Deductible Theatre Tent. Just awesome. The audiences in this tent were incredible. Finished both performances on a high. Vanessa and Pete absolutely killed it too. (And Vanessa killed her voice.)

Sorry, I know my last two posts have featured lots of superlatives and excitable adjectives but this summer has been SO GOOD! Thanks to Sophie Jeanette Burton and Amy Stratton for this particular pinch of magic, glittering festi-dust.

At Latitude festival, 2013. Poetry Arena. What a brilliant vibe- and absolutely top-quality poetreee. Amy Acre’s Sunday set was dazzlingly good. I saw an Aussie beatboxer called Tom Thum who was immense. Everyone I caught a bit of was just fantastic. Very, very happy to have been there. 
Photo courtesy of Nana Antwi

At Latitude festival, 2013. Poetry Arena. What a brilliant vibe- and absolutely top-quality poetreee. Amy Acre’s Sunday set was dazzlingly good. I saw an Aussie beatboxer called Tom Thum who was immense. Everyone I caught a bit of was just fantastic. Very, very happy to have been there.
Photo courtesy of Nana Antwi

Shapes And Disfigurements Of Raymond Antrobus: My Words In Evening Standard & GCSE ("Get to the Chicken Shop Early!")

The wonderful Ray Antrobus’ letter to the Evening Standard. He is right.  Though I work my hardest to make sure every one of my students gets their best possible grades, as the poem points out, there is more to life! Education is about far more than the 5 A to Cs both teachers and students are under immense pressure to attain. It is damaging to many students who feel that they have failed if they cannot squeeze into that narrow definition of success. We need to broaden our ideas. Creative engagement, imagination, initiative, confidence, curiosity- none of these life/ workplace skills and qualities are nurtured by the current “exam factory” secondary system.

This weekend! Appearing at the Tax Deductible tent alongside the brilliant Vanessa Kisuule and Peter Hayhoe, at SGPeeeee! Friday and Sunday afternoons.

This weekend! Appearing at the Tax Deductible tent alongside the brilliant Vanessa Kisuule and Peter Hayhoe, at SGPeeeee! Friday and Sunday afternoons.

Emma Jones | Latitude Festival 2013

It’s official! A snapshot from the Latitude website. Photo by Matt McDermot.

It’s official! A snapshot from the Latitude website. Photo by Matt McDermot.

COMPETITION!!

Please share/RT/spread the love:

The end of term is in sight, and the flags and bunting of summer festivals are just on the horizon. This year I am excited to be playing at Latitude and Secret Garden Party.
I love festivals, but rather like traveling anecdotes, the best festival stories often focus on what went wrong! The bad choice of tent-pitching site, the drugs meltdown, the floods, the mud, the Monday morning service station zombie movie…
So I am asking for your best/worst festival memories- in 140 characters! If I like your story, I’ll get in touch, find out a bit more, and turn your best/worst festival memories into a poem. The poem will be performed at Latitude and Secret Garden Party, and I will send you a signed, framed copy.
There can only be one winner but it could be youuuu!
So please tweet me your festi-besties and worsties- and if you know someone with a good story, please pass this on! Thanks
Emma
http://twitter.com/missjonespoet

Last night at Upstairs at The Ritzy

Last night at Upstairs at The Ritzy

Tonight! A local gig at the Ritzy in Brixton.

Tonight! A local gig at the Ritzy in Brixton.

This Saturday: playing at The Fling Festival, Chelmsford, alongside John Hegley, Amy Acre, Tim Wells, Ross Sutherland, Rob Auton, Chimene Suleyman, Niall O’Sullivan, Nathan Penlington, Adam Kammerling, Mel Jones and Sean Mahoney… WHAT A LINE-UP!

This Saturday: playing at The Fling Festival, Chelmsford, alongside John Hegley, Amy Acre, Tim Wells, Ross Sutherland, Rob Auton, Chimene Suleyman, Niall O’Sullivan, Nathan Penlington, Adam Kammerling, Mel Jones and Sean Mahoney… WHAT A LINE-UP!

  • Bang: last night 
It was a cracker! Some photos courtesy of Mark “Mr T” Thompson and Amy “Raw Prawn” Gilpin.
  • Bang: last night 
It was a cracker! Some photos courtesy of Mark “Mr T” Thompson and Amy “Raw Prawn” Gilpin.
  • Bang: last night 
It was a cracker! Some photos courtesy of Mark “Mr T” Thompson and Amy “Raw Prawn” Gilpin.
  • Bang: last night 
It was a cracker! Some photos courtesy of Mark “Mr T” Thompson and Amy “Raw Prawn” Gilpin.
  • Bang: last night 
It was a cracker! Some photos courtesy of Mark “Mr T” Thompson and Amy “Raw Prawn” Gilpin.

Bang: last night
It was a cracker! Some photos courtesy of Mark “Mr T” Thompson and Amy “Raw Prawn” Gilpin.

BACK AT BANG. 27th June
And it feels… like… home. 
(Cue Like a Prayer intro) 
With! NEW POEMS**** HOT**** FRESH****TASTY
Inua Ellams is on; it’ll be sweet as.

BACK AT BANG. 27th June

And it feels… like… home.

(Cue Like a Prayer intro)

With! NEW POEMS**** HOT**** FRESH****TASTY

Inua Ellams is on; it’ll be sweet as.